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Do I Have to Bury Him?

In the literal sense we must either bury or cremate our loved ones that pass, but do we have to bury their existence? When the ones we love pass on after several years upon this earth, we don't hesitate making reference to them in our everyday lives. We mention their names, funny gestures, or that they may be turning over in their graves. "If mom were here, she would have done it this way," "Uncle John is probably sending us the sunshine," or "Grandpa had something to do with the Yankees winning."

The age and circumstance of death has some impact on the way family and friends give bereaved families comfort and support. When our son was born still, the sympathy cards came from miles away and everyone wanted us to know that we were in their thoughts. The mail was a much lighter load after 2 months and some cards changed to "Thinking of You." It was nice for awhile, and then I had enough. Our son was gone, but I still wanted him here. I wanted his memory to live on. I wanted his name included in the cards and I wanted to hear his name. I didn't want his life buried along with his body. I may cry seeing or hearing his name and that is OK in my book. I like to cry.

Friends and family will react in different ways and not all will be acceptable in our eyes. Keeping the lines of communication open will provide others with helpful information on how to offer comfort and they will most likely comply. Since our son passed in September, I emailed everyone in my address book not to send Christmas cards with pictures of their family members. Sure, some passed through that didn't receive the note in time. I should have also asked them to read the card thoroughly before sending. We received a card saying, "May this be the joyous Christmas ever." Hello there, do you not know what just happened?

Fortunately it wasn't someone near and dear and after I threw a few things I calmed down. Thinking back, I only informed people of what I didn't want and I never told them of what I did want. When you are in the early stages of grief, that's the last thing you think about is what you want from them. I had just assumed they would know everything I wanted and do it to my liking. Now we all know that assuming anything is a big no no. When some time passes, you will have a better understanding of what you will need from others.

If anything is said to you that just doesn't make sense or even seems hurtful, most likely it wasn't their intention. Early on, this can be difficult to stomach while your pain is at its worst. This takes me to another point of wearing different shoes. There are so many differences in people; the way we were brought up, our religion, our personalities and how we all deal with death. This subject can bring out the worst or best in our friends and family, you just don't know until you get there. I never wanted any of my friends to know the pain of losing a baby, because in my mind it's the worst tragedy a parent can endure. So how can I make an assumption in the way they offer their support? One cannot possibly know how you feel if it hasn't happened to them. I found this out the hard way, 3 years into my healing journey. Others don't have to work through your grieving process and if they do, it's a shorter time frame. It is even possible that after several years they still feel angry and cheated for you.

Another issue that will surface is living children being exposed to the fact that someone has died. When you loose a baby nothing else matters except your feelings and preserving the memory of your child. Do we want to force other parents of living children to begin their education on death at the time of our own child's? Talking about the birds and the bees is one thing, but the subject of death is sometimes omitted altogether.

This would be the choice of the parent to know when the time is right. Support groups are ideal to join because of this very reason. Almost always, siblings of deceased children are well aware of why their brother or sister isn't with us. It gave me great comfort to hear a 9 year old talking about her angel brother and the love she had for him. Everything we said or did was accepted within the group because we shared a common bond.

Over time we need to look at all the positive ways our family and friends DID support us. The positive actions will outweigh the negative because people generally mean well. We just have to talk about our feelings and what will help us on our healing journey. My husband and I had to bury our sweet little baby, but we can keep his memory alive. Family and friends know that Tanner lives in our hearts and saying his name gives us tremendous comfort.

article re-published 1 Oct 2007