Celebrating Anniversaries Forum

hey. just joined the site. my name is alicia. i was looking online for some "teen help" stuff and this sight came up. i've read through posts but haven't really found one exactly relating to my problem.. so i figured, why not post? everyone else has. hopefully this is what we're all here for.

my grandmother died this year. that was extremely hard (for lack of better words). she lived right around the corner from us, literally.. in our neighborhood. so, needless to say, i saw her everyday. she was the BEST person to cuddle with. she had baby-soft skin and it was always so warm that you could just lie there in her arms for hours on end, which many of us grandchildren did. she had this smell to her.. that was so comforting. no one has ever smelled that way. no other grandmothers i've ever met or anyone at all!!!

well, to get to the point. we still have her house. we have no idea what to do with it. and i go there everyday and sit down and play piano (because that is what i did everday) and i walk around because that house is still always warm and it still always smells like grandmama.

anywho.. her two month death anniversary will be saturday (please wish me luck). and on top of that, two of my friends were killed last spring break in a car accident. their one year will also be arriving on saturday.. great timing at that. im just.. im confused. because on top of all of the deaths and losing those people, i am starting to lose myself. and it's just weird now. because even after a whole year i still expect to see those kids in the hallways at my school. and even after two months and still walk into my grandmother's house and i get the illusion that she's still there because nothing has changed and everything smells and feels as if she's still there. so i'll call her name for a few minutes and then sit in the chair where she always sat and just pray that she'll come there to cuddle me. because when i sat in that chair today, it was cold... no body heat. and that scares me because it was never EVER that way.

bah... i really have no idea why i wrote this entry. i just needed to get it out somewhere where a few people might understand. i just miss her. i haven't slept in forever because i fall asleep thinking that she should have called to tell me goodnight. or that i should call her and tell her goodnight. and i realize right after i pick up the phone that i can't do that. when does the pain die?

I found your posting such a wonderful tribute to your grandmother. To have such love from a grandchild would have given her so much pleasure. We live our lives for our children and family is the most important human connection. She was truly blessed to have her family close. My son was 19 when he was killed in a motor vehicle accident and I know he too had friends who grieve for him. You will always remember your friends and have learned from the relationships you had with them. Live your life and take care. A friend Carla

My Dear Alicia,
I read your entry and I hope that a post I just made to the forum subject "What To Do With Their Belongings" might be of help to you in your grief when you and your family have to do something with your Grandmother's things.
I also want you to know that if you pay close attention, you will feel your Grandmother near you. The chair may be cold now but it may be a way of letting you know that it is time to let go in the physical way and instead start spiritually feeling her presense. You have dealt with death too much in too short a time, especially for you to be so young. I wish you could read the book, "The Night The Angels Cried" by June Proctor. She was the driver of the auto enroute Christmas Eve to church when they were hit head on by a drunk driver. She lost five of her children and grandchildren in that wreck and two of her remaining sons died during the next three years afterward. With such a loss as she had, she has been a God send to so many of the rest of us. She tells you how she survived and writing was one of the ways. Please try to get the book and in the meantime, WRITE, WRITE, WRITE...to your Grandmother, to your friends, to anyone you have lost. Write to yourself, your thoughts, your feelings. Start keeping a journal. Have you ever emailed a friend with your thoughts, your problems, questions, new news to share, and didn't get any replies? You learned later that their server was down, their computer was in the shop or whatever. That took nothing away from the joy and closeness you had in sending them emails. By the time you finally heard back from them, nothing you had sent them was really that important, was it? It was just comforting knowing you could talk to them. Death is much harder to bear but talking to someone you love is the same, however it is done. I write quite a lot. I talk to my loved ones where ever they are. I promise you, you have a wonderful guardian angel, your Grandmother, very close to you and still loving you. You haven't even lost her. She has just gone on a very long trip. When you are older and have children of your own, tell her aloud about them and know that she will be with you still and watch over you and your family. God is a good God. He will comfort you. God Bless You

The pain eases but it never goes. I understand though how its hard to accept your grandma died as you still have her house and it still reminds you of her. For the anniversaries, go to the graves and put some flowers there or go to a place where your friends liked to go and your grandma liked to go and remember them there. Do something which your lost ones use to enjoy doing. Even do homework if you need your mind taking off what happened. Pm me if you ever need to talk.