Forever in my Heart As I open my eyes each morning and close them each night, The image of you,my son,I see bathed in shining light. People ask,how long will you mourn,will this pain ever heal? And as those words are said,the tears continually spill. My heart aches so much for you,to hold you in my arms, I tried so hard throughout your life to protect you from all harm. They buried a part of me,when they covered you that day, A part of my heart that will never come back,never more to stay. I weep,Oh God,why did you allow my son to be taken away, I needed him much more than you,why didnt you let him stay? I loved him,nurtured him,and treated him with care, Always letting him know that I would always be there. I question you about this loss,although the Bible says to never do or think, But Lord,he was so special to me,a very special link. I miss our bond,our talks,our joys and our sorrows, My mind still can't comprehend,that he wont be here tomorrow. My mind can't interpretate the grief that fills my mind, He was my firstborn son,one of a kind. Each waking moment,my mind is consumed,with thoughts of loving him, His pictures,poems and writings,fail to make me understand. So when people ask,how long will I mourn,the answer is very clear, Until we reunite in heaven,me and my son,so dear. Until we are together again,I will not be whole or complete, Until we are together again,satan me you will not defeat. I love this son with all of my heart and that feeling will never leave, Until that day,I guess I'll wear,my heart upon my sleeve. Provide me the power to handle the stress and strife. Wait for me son,in heaven,and when I enter those pearly gates, Grab me in your arms,never more to stray. We will live forever,never more to part, Until that day,my precious son,you will remain in my heart. I love you Shane,Mom By Dj French 6/95 Shane As everyones life goes rushing by,mine just stands real still, The thoughts of you not being here,is still to me,not real. The pain,the agony,the misery in my heart, It is there to stay,never more to part. As we passed by Jigg's coffin,memories flooded me, Of a day almost 5 years before,when the mother of that son was not meant to be, There,it was not supposed to happen that way,for me to bury my child, My oldest son,my Shane,so sweet and mild. Some days I want to will myself to die, Other days I can' do anything but cry. The tears that fall upon my cheeks are shed for you,my blessed son, I would give my life if God will give you back,erase that night and that gun. If tears could build a staircase,and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. I know that it is selfish to want you back in this cold horrible place, But oh,what I would give,just to see your face. Im going to keep on keeping on for Jesus, so that I'll see you some sweet day, In our mansions up above,eternity together again,evermore to stay. I love you son,Mom By DJ French 6/99 Help Me Lord Lord,I thought when I lost my son, I wanted to die,my life,I thought,was done. No one can understand what a parent feels when they lose one of their own, You think its all a dream,wake me up,here I dont belong. You feel guilty if you eat,smile,laugh or even sleep, You wonder how could I do that,all you want to do is weep. You feel guilty because your life is going on without them in it and you cant begin to comprehend? That your life must go on but theirs is finished,the end. But they are waiting for us to join them in that home across the sea, Working on our mansion,where we'll spend eternity. Now a parent shouldnt have to lose their child,the grief consumes our heart and soul, But Jesus will help you thru this,I've been there and I know. So even in times of anger and grief,so bad you want to scream, Go ahead,for He knows your heart and exactly what you mean. He shed the very first tear when we lost our child, But rest assured,they are with Him and we will join them in awhile. I love you Shane Mom By Dj French 4/98 Eight Years My son, Its been eight years today,I sit here crying,in the hours before dawn,no sleep will come, I want to scream and yell and even sometimes run, away from the pain of losing you. I can only thank God for seeing me through. I know that He helps me and carries me when I can't stand, My mind,still shuts down,sometimes,but I know He holds my hand. He enables me to walk and smile like everything is fine, but He knows how much I miss you,always on my mind. I love you,my child,my son,"MY SHANE". This time the sun can't chase away the rain. I'll see you in a little while,soon to be together again, my heart,my firstborn,my very best friend. Love You Shane,Mom By DJ French 3/10/03 Another sleepless night,my child,as I think of you, kneeling by my bedside,praying God shows me what to do. This month was harder ,Shane,than any one in the last 8 years, so many more heartaches,so many more tears. I cant wait to see you again,to look upon your face, when our Savior calls me home,praise Him for His mercy and grace. I thank God that I replied love you more,my son. I love you Shane forever and eternity. Watch for me when from this world I flee. By DJ French 3/16/03 As I Sit As I sit watching the sun as it peaks, My mind racing so fast,I know not the words to speak. But I know and understand that You hear everything in my heart, You can see and feel the dart, of pain that tears my heart inside out,the memories so fresh and new. Though its been 8 years,time hasnt erased one moment of time in the things we used to do. I am guilty Lord,I still question why? Why did it have to be Shane? As the clouds darken and it slowly starts to rain. Help me God,give me some peace,I know you carry me alot of time when I just cant walk. I know you see my tears and hear each word when I cant talk. Sometimes I feel as though Im sinking in a pond of quicksand, Then I have to call out to You,to reach out and grab my hand. Lord,I thank You for each and every day of life you give, but help me to understand why my son couldnt live? I know that he is with You,wrapped safely in Your arms, But Lord,I spent my entire life trying to protect them both from harm. Give me strength Lord to walk thru this place called earth, until I join my son to whom I gave birth. DJ French 3/28/03 Losing a child in death is one of the most traumatic and painful ordeal a parent can face. In life, no matter how you try you never return to normal. I can tell you from experience that there is no way you can ever be prepared for such a loss. If a woman loses a husband,she is a widow,aman loses his wife,a widower, children losing their parents are orphans, but I cannot find one word in the English or any other language for a parent losing a child. Acute grief includes painful yearning for your deceased loved one. You have excuriating loneliness for the person who had died and for the unique relationship that has been lost. You have strong feelings of separation.deprivation,aching, and sadness. You are preoccupied with the deceased,you dream of him,think of him, or search for him. Some people have acute visual or auditory senses of their loved one. The pain is so bad that you fel that nothing can help except the return of your loved one. Activities once pleasurable are no longer enjoyable. You may conclude that life is meaningless, and even that you are worthless. You may become forgetful that you will be overwhelmed by your mental anguish. By Dj French 1996 Mom If you could see me now you wouldnt grieve, I know you miss me so very much, but Im in a wonderful place of peace. I walk daily on streets of gold listening to the angels sing, Their praises never stop, to Jesus Christ,our King. I am waiting patiently for all to meet me over here, There's so much I want to show you in this land so fair. Nothing you have ever seen on earth with this could ever compare. Golden gates with diamonds and pearls of every kind. Nothing like these on earth you will ever find. Oh mom, I cant wait to see your awe when you meet Jesus face to face, When you see Him in all His glory, His Amazing Grace. What a wonderful time we will have when we meet again, All the pain and grief erased, our love will never end. All the memories of these grief filled years without me willl be taken from your mind and heart, Together forever, never more to part. By DJ French 5/10/03 MESSAGE FROM A MOM TO HER CHILD ... I gave you life, but cannot live it for you. I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you. I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe. I can buy you beautiful clothes, but I cannot make you beautiful inside. I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you. I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish. I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to show honor. I can advise you about friends, but cannot choose them for you. I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure. I can tell you about alcohol & drugs, but I cannot say "no" for you. I can tell you about lofty goals, but I cannot achieve them for you. I can teach you about kindness, but I cannot force you to be gracious. I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God. I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life. I can love you with unconditional love all of my life ... and I will. A Letter to My Family To my dearest family, Some things Id like to say. But first of all to let you know, That I arrived okay. Im writing this from Heaven, Where I dwell with God above. Where there are no tears of sadness, There is just eternal love. Please do not be unhappy, Just because Im out of sight. Remember that I am with you, Every morning, noon, and night. That day I had to leave you, When my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me, And He saidI welcome you. Its good to have you back again, You were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, Theyll be here later on. I need you here so badly, As part of my big plan. Theres so much that we have to do, To help our mortal man Then God gave me a list of things He wished for me to do, And foremost on that list of mine, Is to watch and care for you. I will be beside you, Every day of the week and year. And when youre sad, Im standing there To wipe away the tear. And when you lie in bed at night, The day's chores put to flight, God and I are closest to you In the middle of the night. When you think of my short life on earth, And how you missed those loving years, Because youre only human, There™s bound to be some tears. Do not be afraid to cry, It does relieve some pain. Remember, there would be no flowers, Without a little rain. I wish that I could tell you, Of all that God has planned. But if I were to tell you, You would not understand. One thing is for certain, Though my life on earth is over, I am closer to you now, Then I ever was before. And to my many friends, Trust God knows what is best. I am not far away from you, Im just beyond the crest. There are rocky roads ahead of you, And many hills that you must climb. Together we can do it, Taking it one day at a time. It was my philosophy, And Id like it for you, too, That is, give unto the world, So the world will give to you. If you can help someone Whos in sorrow or in pain, Then you can say to God at night, My day was not in vain. And now I am contented That my life, it was worthwhile. Knowing, as I passed along the way, That I made you smile. When youre walking down the street, And youve got me on your mind, Im walking in your footsteps, Only half a step behind. And when you feel a gentle breeze Of wind upon your face, Thats me giving you a great big hug, Or just a soft embrace. When its time for you to go From that body to be free, Remember you are not going, But you are coming home to me. I will always love you, From that place way up above. I will be in touch again soon, P.S. God sends His love. Author Unknown Shane Shane, its been over 8 years now ,son ,and the horror still remains, Thoughts of you singing,writing,doing so many things. Every day I think of you and wonder what changes the years would have made, The love for you so strong in my heart will never ever fade. I wake every morning and see your face in pictures and in my memories of you. You're the last thing I think of when I drift off to sleep,praying that I wake up and find it isnt true. That you're not gone,its been a dream, a nightmare that has lasted so long. I pray daily to wake up and find you here,that you have never been gone. I know this isnt what you would want,for me to grieve and mourn, But its so hard,this life without you,I feel so alone and torn. My firstborn of 2 children,my 2 sons,Shane and Shawn,my heart,my joy, Oh,how proud I was of my handsome little boys. You were only a loan from God,not allowed to stay, Brought into our lives but too quickly taken away. Always laughing,never sad,your crooked little grin,the I love yous you'd always say, Not even 23 years old,you were taken 4 months before that day. You would have been 31 July 17th,my son and I wonder every day,every hour, How different our lives would be if you could have stayed,our glue,our tower. You were the anchor to our ship,the bond that held us tight, The peacemaker,the quiet one who made all things seem right. You are so loved and missed,my child,more and more each day. I can't wait until that day when we will reunite to stay together,forever, in our mansion thats being prepared. I know that you are with Him now,Jesus and our loved ones are with you there. Wait for me,my darling son,for I will remain faithful to God and never ever stray, For I will not be defeated,the thought of being reunited with you keeps me on that strait and narrow way. I would have never survived if the Lord hadnt carried me in His arms, comforting me,giving me peace,protecting me from harm. Because I didnt think I could live in this world without you being a part, He gives me strength but every day I feel you in my heart. I'll never say good-by,I will see you in awhile, Soon to be together again,how I long to see your smile. I love you so much words cant express the sadness in my heart, How I look so forward to that day when we will never have to part. We will sing and shout praises to the King, Oh what joy,oh what gladness,praises forever to ring. You may be singing in the angel band,I can just hear yopu now, The glow on your face,your voice singing praises,to the King we'll bow. I know that dad,your uncles, and grandparents are with you in that place with Jesus as your heavenly host,our Savior,Redeemer,the One who died for all. Holding you in His arms,I see you standing so straight and tall. I'll see you soon,sweetheart, I will keep on keeping on, Jesus is the Rock that I stand upon. He is the One that will carry me through, When my days are bad and I am missing you. He lets me know that we will be together once again, Forever and ever,nevermore to end. BY DJ French 7/27/2003 Sleep Won't Come, The nights are so long, sleep won't come, I can see thru the curtains that its time for the sun. I toss and turn missing my son,thoughts going thru my head, Praying I'll wake up and find the last 8 years a nightmare and hes not really dead. Lord, I cry out to You for sweet peace of mind,precious rest, Thoughts of Shane keeps racing thru my mind,everything seems a test. I cry, I pray, but the emptiness in my heart remains, I try to stay busy,try to refrain, Myself from thinking of how it would be, If my son hadn't been shot and was still here with me. Lord, my life is so full of grief, For my son, even though I have faith and internal belief. I know that we will be together again one day, Lead me, guide me, show me the way. Help me to turn this grief over to You, leave it at the cross, Help me to always keep my eyes on You, I give to You this loss. I know You are with me, carrying me along the way, But I still have this question, Lord why couldn't he stay? The pain in my heart is so sharp I feel I may smother, Why my dear Shane,Lord,why not another? I thought he was sent to me for all of my earthly life, When we lost him,the pain cut thru like a knife. This nightmare,this grief,this pain,this sorrow, Lord, I ask You for a brighter tomorrow. Shane, my love for you will never die in any way,shape, or form, You will always be "Our Shane," my firstborn. Love you always my son,Mom By DJ French 9/16/03